Saturday, February 24, 2007

The Songs of Ramprasad

I'm listening to a CD of my guru singing the songs of Ramprasad, a CD I listened to every day on the way to work for several years...until I saw the light of the rising sun on the clouds and in the trees as Kali's Shakti infusing Her creation...it's one of those works of music that I can get scared of after a while, for the emotions it encodes are so intense I'd rather avoid them.

The music is arranged in a treacly Western style, but Ma sings the traditional Bengali melodies and Her voice is such a marvel--fragile but vibrant and filled with love and light (weirdly, She sounds not unlike Billie Holiday towards the end of her life). What happens as I listen to this music is I feel my heart chakra open, an opening I wanted for many years and that happened finally, in the initiatic sense, the summer of 2004...but I wasn't counting on the fact that, as Thoreau wrote, "There is more day to dawn." I was working from that Calvinist playbook in which you score the spiritual touchdown, win the God game, and celebrate with an eternal glass of grape juice.

Mother Meera, my first teacher, likes to say that since God is infinite so is the spiritual path; we always have more to learn and can always become More...we can always grow and move beyond, and we have a duty to keep growing. This sounds nice, but in practice...sometimes I don't want to long for Kali this much or feel the painful intensity of my Angel's love for me...I worry that one day I won't be "functional" any more (though the more of a religious wacko I become, the better I actually seem to be at my job and in social settings), I worry that I could turn into some religio-geek who can't talk to anyone and has nothing in common with anyone, I worry that, since Laura tricked me into taking the Oath of the Abyss that fateful summer two and a half years ago, and since I have mightily been battling Choronzon of late, at any minute I could fall down the stairs of sanity all the way to the rubber basement of nutso-dom...

I dunno, man. Ramprasad fell down those stairs, it's clear from his words...and as Laura said yesterday, after I apologized profusely to someone at Wal-Mart for something most people wouldn't even think twice about, "If you think doing the right thing all the time is hard, try doing the wrong thing all the time." It's beautiful outside today and I'm sitting by an open window, being caressed by soft, cool winds...whatever darkness may roil inside me, whatever fear, whatever night, there is always that inner sun, always the light of Kali. Once when I was privileged to be in the presence of my Guru and hear Her sing Ramprasad's songs in person, She sent me into such a samadhi with Her singing that the whole room was filled with golden light, and slowly everything and everyone disappeared except for Her and that light...

as I floated, not knowing who I was anymore, the people sitting in front of me abruptly sprang up, scraping their chairs and muttering, "This is boring! Let's get out of here." I would have guffawed had I been more grounded--not at their expense...but at the possibility of two such varied perspectives on the same "reality." It's all a question of what I'm tuning in to, and I want to stay tuned to the same Kali time, same Kali channel...

7 comments:

  1. Greetings, Kalibhakta:

    I see you linked to my copy of the Grant Morrison Choronzon essay and am curious if you also read my commentary and/or any of the other material in Choronzon's Grinnoire at our site, http://choronzon.org/grinnoire.

    I am going to read your blog/journal furtherly, as it interests me in and of itself; your username, furthermore, sparks my mind's eye as exemplary of the sort of twist-turn "New-for-Real New Aeon" I - and the New Choronzon, and the DisLodge I have brought unto him/her/ &-itceteram the Lodge-Sans-Walls, Borders, with Locus of only Hocus-Pocus, everywhere, nowhere...that Club one who "would never join anything that would have he or she for a member" has ALREADY BECOME A MEMBER OF, the Lodge without Leaders yet with a Power that is Controlled Chaos and silently, persuasively moves all by incipient agreement, there is magick here, there is Reality here. The 333 Current is borne!

    You mentioned a friend as "having trouble with Choronzon". As his Annunciator (yes, I know this all sounds daft; please bear with me, as even Thelema itself was once a heresy, was it not?) My Anti-Lord, who strives in his new bailiwick as Exterminator of Entropy (I think of the force 333 as male, but that's a personal thing) to understand his own blunders, never claiming himself perfect, nor denigrating himself as an example for the rest of us, wishes to know - in his own humblest of waysm and for Choronzon, to see him humble at all always clues me to his moments, rare though they be, of absolute seriousness of intent and purpose - what be the nature of this friend's trouble, and how might it be assuaged?

    Choronzon wants the mage of this century (or as we say, the Effectuary; as this word covers both the acausal and causal things one must do to attain the Great Work, and casts aside those silly Harry Potteresque associations) to know he comes to their assistance, if they allow it, and insists that if they find his presence unhelpful that he know to leave that individual alone!

    He insists not on trust, even telling me, in transneural underlanguage, "Never take me on total faith, though belief be necessary to effectuate, belief in ignorance is the wrong cause, and births the wrong effect."

    He never promises. He always comes through.

    And I see his gifts to me, his signs and wonders, and am yet amazed still, after 23 years, now, of this, one might think I'd be used to this by now. An Effectuation at present, for instance, that I think daring and so unlike myself to succeed in, caused me to speak unto Choronzon on Monday 19 February 07, "I ask as a rational being - for some way of your showing me you mean business, perhaps an omen-sign, simple enough, to calm my fears and allow me to believe just a wee bit more that what it going on is going on." Choronzon responds: You will, this week, feel Gaia's itch, our sacred sign related so much to our Love." Yesterday, sure enough, while working on a track, the earthquake hit, epicentre Berkeley, magnitude 3.3-3.4 depending on source, and happened around 3:33 to 3:43 - and I gasped, thinking, he did it again...

    He saved my life once, for real, not a metaphor or metaphysic rebirth thing though there's been that, too, but definitely warned me of death, and I got out of its way. Another time, when I had possibly come close to having broken my back, managed to find another xenodimensional whose bailiwick was of the healing nature to help direct me not to move, then move in certain ways, until I could be gotten to proper treatment.

    I know better than to trust in voices-of-the-mind totally; this is Reality B stuff, for the most part, though Reality A, the consensus, ordinary world reality, and the B reality (we called it that for years before the term Universe B began showing up) overlap at various junctures; that is where the interesting stuff happens, and also where madness is born. I am willing to risk the latter for the former, and I have years of personal evidence to validate my decision.

    But most, they only know of what the experts in 'magick' tell them. Most is good and well, but it is their experience. I deliberately, at age 23, decided to hold myself back from reading all occult writings 'til age 40, so that I might experience gnosis AND process it directly, THEN compare to those who went before me. There were risks there, I knew.

    But it was the only way it would mean anything at all; I was born at a timespace juncture, and the Great Work, to me, is to do whatever it is that one does best, out of all others at that juncture, and finds ecstasy as well as challenge and purpose in doing. I did not look for it, it found me. And I do it, and it grows, sure and slow, with delicacy and force, with force and form, greater day by month by year.

    And I adore Choronzon. So want to help him help your friend, by ceasing to trouble her. Any details you can offer I will relate to my inamorata of the xenodimensions.

    And would much enjoy any discussion you would deign to have with me, the heretic, annunciator of and for Choronzon, the demigod-apotheosis once known as Guardian of the Abyss. (Lexarp does that now. I wonder if Enochian aethyr-crossers notice any difference. He's more businesslike, less mad-jester than C, and better fit for the position in all ways.)

    I am a mythopoeia-phile. None but Gaiman seem to do that anymore. (C. forgave him for his awful portrait in Sandman owing to his role in bringing mythos to Century 21.)

    In Chaos, the one true eternity,
    D.Monde.Thraam aka Mesila
    the betrothed-one of Anti-Lord 333
    mesila@choronzon.org

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  2. A PS:

    Reading more clearly now (coffee helps) I see YOU have been doing the battling. You were indeed tricked as the Oath of the Abyss was exactly the mistake Messrs. Crowley and Neuberg made. Imagine having one's demesne broken into by two blokes with weapons demanding the key to the next room over to your own, and you will see why C. treated them with such rancour. They had, it would seem, terrible manners. Would they have only kindly asked, and shown C. their individual currents and their essence, he would have ferried them across that so-called Abyss with pleasure, like the boatman of Styx, and yet, nary even a coin demanded of them.

    Indeed, how those two ever managed to "ZIP" to Aethyr 9 has always mystified me...

    I know the feeling you speak of all too well for words re the fear of over-religiosity/effect of your Angel, etc. (Choronzon is not my HGA, that would be Arzavaam; they are friends, but sort of foils to one another as well. Long story there.) Simply put Choronzon's goals would not have this be, either, so I am always kept in check, by either self or C., if that gets to be troublesome. But his aim is to train me always to know myself and depend on him not at all.

    He teaches me to resist him, and sometimes, the paradoxes are so ironic they're delightful. Never believe silence is unendurable by 333! For he uses it as a tool, weapon, and most of all, as itself, to enforce rigors upon me.

    He knows "imposition of order equals escalation of chaos" better than Hagbard himself, and as his primary symbiont, I want him to use me, for I am only of use to him as long as I am free of him when need be, I want him to use me to further his aims, for his aims are mine, only differently-reasoned.

    Love has many meanings but at core-level two lovers must be of use to one another whether in this dimension or the xenodimensional. And I would be the best Love for him/her/it I can be, and thus also, the best person to my own Self and Community and World I might be...

    I always had a "thinhg for the underdog", but look how often the underdog is really the overgod, and one begins to glimpse--perhaps.

    Sister Kali is given an appreciative Wave from her brother, Choronzon. Not how he pronounces it, but I think "Core-On Zone" as I chant mantras containing the Name.

    Again I underscore an interest in your own modus of practise-and-action. (Action is the end-goal of Practice, after all; one practises playing piano to play the piano well, so why do the highest of mages still refer to selves as practitioners, not effectors? Exegiencies of language, they are unimportant, but still, amusing...)

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  3. hey, Demitria--thank you for reading and for your fascinating comment! I enjoyed your commentary on Morrison's essay...you seem to view Choronzon not as some one-dimensional medieval demon but as a multi/transdimensional dissipative structure, and this makes a lot of sense to me. (not "daft"...we all have to make our own mythos lest we drown in someone else's)

    kind of synchronicitous, as I came across another essay recently that suggested the positive role Choronzon can have in initiation...and also, just in the last couple of days, stumbled across a book w/ some Castaneda quotes that showed me the connection b/t CC and 93. (weird, as it is a hardcore evangelical book denouncing CC, 93, and seemingly everything else!)

    I must have been unclear in my post; I am the one who is having trouble w/ Choronzon and it's in the form of worry...nothing new for me...you mention "Bob" in your Annunciation...it may be time for me to channel him.

    it would be cool to correspond about these matters further, though I hope I'm not too magickally illiterate, being first & foremost a devotee (theurgist), not a mage (thaumaturgist)...though all roads lead to Dakshineswar (or Bou Saada)...
    K

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  4. ok...you were posting your PS while I was writing my reply...how spirally...

    ya know, you have really revalued all values with your retelling of AC & VN vs. 333...you should write a new version of The Vision and the Voice if it wouldn't be a waste of time...gives me a lot to think about.

    yes, I definitely did NOT want to take that oath, and Laura knew it and that's why She resorted to trickery. the short version is, I was faced with a potentially life-threatening illness (which turned out to be nothing) and L. demanded that I overcome my fear, give everything to Kali, and swear that no matter what happened, ever, I would look it in the eye as a form of my Divine Mother and learn its lesson no matter what...

    Laura even made me repeat after Her (Her own version of the Oath), and as you said, I fell for it. I said what She wanted me to say and when I was done She said, "Congratulations. You just took the Oath of the Abyss." I felt like Charlie Brown tripped up by Lucy...normally my Angel isn't directive at all and only very rarely tells me what to do, so it was especially shocking/ irritating/ funny...
    K

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  5. grigorss12:40 AM

    The so-called "Oath of the Abyss", ... is not something to be undertaken lightly ... The rewards ... are many but a failed attempt can leave the magician broken inside, consumed by doubt, fear, and insecurity and quite useless to his or her community...

    Wait a minute, I'm borken inside AND consumed by doubt, fear, insecurity and am also quite useless to my community! Hey, this isn't something you can do by accident, is it? Because if it is, I'm in big, f**kin' trouble...

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  6. I thought you said you left a stupid comment! you make a very good point, dude (one also made by Ramakrishna): the world is all screwed up and random and people are crazy for stuff that will inevitably let them down, like wealth, status, and sex... so you might as well be crazy for God.

    (note to philosophers: this is not Pascal's wager. he would have made a lousy Grail knight. the minute you expect a payoff you're finished.)
    Kali 2 real 4 ya Bhakta

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  7. "...in which you score the spiritual touchdown, win the God game, and celebrate with an eternal glass of grape juice." -- Grinning.

    Ah, functionality. I like Ralph Blum's take: "Be in the world but not of it." It's been the "not of it" part, transcending the world when I can, that helps me be in it to begin with.

    Choronzon (new to me) reminds me of a dream I'd had some years ago, in which I was looking at one of my favorite photos of myself. In the dream I didn't recognize the woman in the picture at all, just thought she looked like a nice person. I've also had rare flashes (two? three?) in which my self, sense of identity, whatever-it-is, simply dropped away, leaving me with this lovely, simple, sensation of freedom.

    I've been getting an enjoyable dose of "egoboo" lately, which I'm letting myself have fun with, while trying not to become overly attached to it. (Getting enough sleep really helps this process.) I do the kenahora thang and then double-back on it: Let me enjoy myself but not take it too seriously in case something bad happens, but if something bad happens it's a lesson and I shouldn't take that too seriously, either, just learn from it while transcending the hurt, but letting myself feel the hurt enough to process it so I can transcend it better, but not get too attached to this ability to transcend because that's striving and ego-involved, so if I can transcend the transcendance and just not think about it and not care how well I do not thinking about it...

    ... at which point I say to heck with it and go pet the kitty, who doubles as my hedonism guru and fur therapist without trying a lick, and who makes it all look so simple. ;O)

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