Friday, May 21, 2010

It's Hard, But Love Her Even When You're Scared

Like a moron, I drove my car into a three-foot deep "puddle" the other day during a rain storm (it didn't look that deep!), and as the engine cut off and the car floated to a stop, that awful feeling of doom and disaster washed over me... ohmygod mycarmyday myliiiiiiiiiife whatwillidoooo?

I tried to prioritize: figure out if someone was about to rear-end me (didn't look like it), whether I should try to move the car (no), figure out what stuff I had to take with me to keep it dry (water was seeping around the doors kind of rapidly), and I called Sophia and said she should probably pick James up from school. I had moment of panic-- my car... cars are expensive!!! and the subliminal, pre-conscious I'm alone and helpless... but quicker than I ever had, I thought I'm here, this is what's going on, so I need to be here and do the next right thing, so I yanked myself out of the self-pity, opened the car door, grabbed my stuff, and waded to the side of the street.

I stood in the rain and tried to forget the future, what's going to happen and are they even going to be able to tow the car and will it ever run again, and I felt the rain and heard the lovely thunder and watched the trees blow in the wind and laughed to my Mother Kali about this very stupid situation, and I felt stupid as hell but tried to get over it. I was mad at the circumstances and squinting in hindsight, but Kali is circumstance, Her unfolding is the shit that happens, and in my laughter I embraced Her, made space for Her in my heart, shoved me and mine to the side and let Her flow in.

I didn't stop kicking myself for driving into a mini-pond, at least not right away, but as I forced myself to reach out to Kali and forget my fears and wants, I was aware of just how much there is to be grateful for: Sophia, James, Molly (who was so sweetly concerned when she heard about the imbroglio), rain, love, personal evolution, gurus, and everywhere, always, my Kali-- my sky, my rain, my love, my heart.


  1. It's good that you're grateful for all the many blessings that you have been given...

    -- just don't bother thanking her for being a good driver; yes, that won't be necessary.

  2. lol... [stuart smalley voice] i'm a good enough driver...