...I like being insane. The too-thoughtful, angel-befriending variety of insane. But it is not the most cut-and-dried, unambiguous of states. In fact, I am yearning for a little black and white right about now.
My chivalric code has put me in a limbo re Teresa, whom I love but am convinced I can't have a life with. My sponsor says I'm 'awaiting the will of my Higher Power,' and this is a good thing. I say...dammit, HP, make up your goddamn mind already! When I say "love" I know I don't mean classic, boy-girl, passionate, do-or-die anymore, and that's really sad, but it's also the way it is and therefore here I am. So I don't make any drastic decisions because I'm not ready and she's not ready and I feel like a ^%$#@ Woody Allen character but also know the trouble those oh-so glamorous dramatic drastic decsions have led to in the past.
I reside between the sensual and spiritual, too, another limbo--sipping my lovely Portuguese red wine, nibbling my velvet, humid-musky dark chocolate. The red and black of tantra put me: nowhere. I don't dare renounce (and scorn Kali's creation); I don't dare zone out into work/party/work/party/ad nauseam (and scorn Her heart-song of love...32nd-notes of birds on phone lines, secret messages in numbers and song lyrics, fleece of our marriage bed in lacy late-summer clouds...)
Another no man's land is my job: some of the people there are about to Really Make Me Upset, something the horror of which they cannot--and can never--imagine. Until it befalls them and it's too late and they're on that plane heading back home wondering what the hell happened. But: despite some of the silly tasks foisted on me by the lazy or unimaginative, despite the gossip, etc., I still really do love to show up for work every day.
And I could ditto the above confoundments--my writing (writing?? a diary? a blog???? a few specialized articles no one reads?)...my plans to paint my temple room green, though I work or sleep all weekend and still have no time for anything...my incipient termite treatment...though no termites are there...
I can only conclude: life is too complicated to fit the slots of our dreams. And I can only extrapolate: it's so complicated because it's the bodying forth of a Goddess Whose essential Self is chaos, and our little brains are so simple and grasping so they'd be sure to get all obsessed and chase after Her in a love-game we call life.
This entry makes me think of metamorphosis. The holding pattern inside a chrysalis; the waiting period and uncertainties that occur in the middle of Change, because what else can one do in the in-between while stuff is still realigning?
ReplyDeleteI'm projecting here because it reminds me of states I've been in -- oh, many times. And then of course the other side of all that complexity is -- simplicity! Kind of a full circle but in the next spiral up. No wonder I get dizzy sometimes. :)